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There I was- Here I am

April 27, 2017 Thoughts

There I was. 

With a total stranger.
Sitting in the back seat-
Enclosed by an undeniable silence, not an obstinate kind, but a balanced one, in perfect quietness.
I sat there watching the world past right beside me. 
It was the moment I had been waiting foryet, the moment I have been dreading. 
This day started to sprout through the roots of its existence and all at once, everything began processing and progressing to reach every cell throughout my entire being.

I’m still trying to maintain myself- 
I kept reminding myself, “9 more minutes!”
I’d then be set free.
 
I never quite imagined my day would end with a person I knew nothing about or didn’t know anything about me. 
The absolute opposite of a friend, foe, family member, or acquaintance even. 
It felt unusual, but a peculiarity filled with perfection. 

There was nothing more that I desired during that time, then the embrace of my lover.
To be seating beside him, on his right side, as he held my hand oh so tightly, taking me to the place of peace saying, “everything will work out, it’s in the divine plan.”

He wasn’t there.
He wasn’t here.
He was far away from being anywhere near.
He wasn’t here because he’s a couple hundred miles away… it wasn’t a choice at this point.
But, his assuring words and voice replayed in the trance of my mind. 

I was dreading this time because I’ve heard countless stories of Uber… 
Yes, Uber. 
It was my first time to ever use them before, so I didn’t know what to expect, but a talkative stranger attempting to chat away with me, trying to be overly friendly and ask me an exceedingly amount of questions I felt in no mood to answer. 
My fake spirited face forced its grin far too long.
I imagined I would still be having to drag on with the same deadly smile for 8 more miles, and extort words from my mouth that I couldn’t even hear. 
I would go through the motions.
Completely ignoring the emotions. 
In the end- the Uber ride was the finest portion of the day. 

The driver was silent, except he had given me the typical “hello” upon his arrival.  
It’s what I needed-utter silence.
I sat there with my head turned towards the window and my eyes fixed to the outside world- I couldn’t even tell you what I saw that day. 
Simply, just humanity passing by.
I don’t remember the weather.
The color of the sky.
The kind of car I was picked up in. 
The traffic.
But, I was given the opportunity to pacify my mind- allow myself to “let go” silently, and do absolutely nothing. It all began to unfold- the day I just managed to achieve still standing on a stable ground.
 
How did I compel myself to keep going- to make it, without ripping through the seams of my sanity? 
Is this me becoming “that woman?”

I normally would have broken down, broken down meaning, to entirely shut down.
I would stand there watching every piece of my sound mentality crumble down and kicked to the side. Every logical thought would escape me and I’d make myself powerless, but I somehow managed to keep myself together and fought through it all.  
God was here this time. 
BETTER SAID-I allowed God to be here this time.
Keeping me sane.
Keeping me driven.
Keeping me focused. 
I was finally trusting him. 
I now realized when such a life altercation occurs, it’s far more depressing and deeply effective and feels like a weight of a thousand tons upon me, if I start to think about how everything has affected me or WILL affect me. 
Trying to feel future emotions and thoughts was the key to my constant sense of being “overwhelmed” and stressed out.

Instead of figuring all the modes of actions to take in making a solution for the long haul, I trained my brain to live in the exact moment I was living in and set aside to what “could” or “might” happened in the future.

Since this day I have just been living from moment to moment- avoiding to feel deflated from any emotional setback. 

One step at a time. 
God has intervened through every problem so far without me having to even put so much effort as I “imagined.”

After the Uber drive, I walked into my place of “home” and collided with my pillow.
I let out the loud kind of wail, with a waterfall of unstable tears. They refused to calm down until thirty minutes in. I restored myself back together and went on with completing the tasks I needed to carry off with…

Appropriately grieving was entirely acceptable. 
Permanently Shutting down was entirely unacceptable 

The story of Job from the Bible keeps going through my head. God took everything from him, and he trusted him with all that he was. 
Trusted the plans God had for him afterwards. 

I keep trusting God, not allowing myself to feel defeated and to quit trying. Everything must be, and had to be for his divine purpose. 
A lesson?
A build of character obtained?
Perhaps, a lifelong learned patience and endurance that I can now pull out of my pocket for future use, as a reference to remind myself of this time. I will take note of how I handled it and how I overcame it and what I could have done better-the ways in which I became a better woman because of it. 
This will be glory defined, completely refined into a blossom flower. 
I asked myself-“who was that woman?”

 She’s the woman I always longed to be. 
I had no earthly savior, or man to get me out of this mess. Before now, between all the men in my life, I have always been taken care of immediately. 
As my brother said “it’s time to put your big girl pants on.”
I’m not going to lie…
But I was stunned, as in “what, me? Do this all by myself…?” 
I didn’t believe I was capable…
I was capable
I can keep grip of life’s downfalls during emotional turmoil instantaneously
 
I’m wondering though now….
How many times must I hit bottom to build myself up- to only fall again?
 
What moral meaning or reasoning am I not acquiring? 
All of this was inventible and could have been preventable, yet all entirely inevitable.
There are times I feel like cyclops- the moment my eyes began to “open”- the light radiates much to bright and causes a mass destruction to the life I have been fighting relentlessly hard to achieve.
Possibly I am too reckless…
From lady bug motherhood, laying eggs in a clear jar
To the emotional tug of the fatal witness of a honey bee
Then to see another bee taken by an added death threat
Finding the fallen tokens of a scar mess of lost souls
And freeing the fetal releasing ladybirds  
Spring forward to the secret mirth in the passing caterpillar of rebirth
Two life given bees flew across my path- as the agents to renew my hope within my wrath 
To the transmission of death into my driven fate
I assume I arrived at my own funeral much too late.
Here I am, once again.
There I was…

A death in a jar to the end of my car.

In a still body and mind, I rode down the road designed for myself and drove into the life handed down to me, with grace, patience and acceptance.

 

 

 

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