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My Heart, My Mind- My Vices

September 23, 2016 Thoughts

I went against my fear and dived into the unknown of my never. 

I blindly dived into a shallow pool. 
Is God really on my side? 
Does the devil and his demons have a hold of me? 
There is no road marked with forever in the life I attempt to live. 
I have no forever. 
I’ve reached bottom to many times to reach bottom again.
Still, I now lay buried further below what I was trying to rebuild. I’m suffocating in my own dirt, stuck in a state of darkness that follows every path I take. 
Forgiveness means nothing
Love means nothing
Devotion means nothing
Trying means nothing 
Pain means nothing 
Joy means nothing 
Everything we feel and do has no value.
With all honesty, I have lost my will and hope to dig myself out of my vile pit piled upon me. 
I simply don’t give a damn anymore. 
I can only try so hard before the soil finally decides to dry and watch in laughter as I die. I sit here and type losing sleep from all the hurt and hatred steeping into the depths of my being. I pot new seedlings, only to watch them wither and rot from a beautiful beginning. 
I allowed them to die with the lost time and I’m paying the price as I succumbed to a life fulfilled of only my lonely vice. 
They deteriorated and became infuriated by their lack of water. 
I don’t believe anything can preserve and save the chain reactions of all the empty actions. My Words spit out like a howling wolf beating my heart with a killing force, sending undercover toxic particles forming my mind to a hazardous threat, as they both descend my soul into an isolated smog. 
I’ve fallen backwards to my end, reversing back to my lost beginning. 
My heart and mind are against me.
What in life eventually prevails to last? 
I unveiled myself, hoping to create something different and lasting, but it all ends the same. 
Everything ends anyway. 
To have a hope is just as harmful as having no hope it all, either way- I am let down. 
I’d rather die hopeless than live with a false hope. 
I rather be real with myself. 
I’m destined to retreat to my sorrowed past and live broken. 
I’m truly am my worst enemy. 
To feel the happiness I don’t deserve in a temporary time isn’t worth it. 
I now know what I am losing. It’s all a fraud against my design. 
Where is God when I need him most? 
I need him now. 
Where is the warrior that is suppose to protect me. I keep getting ones to stab me with the blades of the sword, instead of fighting the enemy. 
My own enemy. 
I chase away any glory that comes my way. Perhaps when I meet God he will give me all the ways he sent me joy, but I pushed them all away?
You know the saying “it seems to good to be true?” 
It’s true.
It’s never true. 
Birds of the same feather don’t flock together.
Opposites don’t attract. 
Nothing is real anymore. The flower that once bursted and squirmed to the sight of the sun now burns under that very sun
I was once told time doesn’t exist and it’s all man made. It’s true to a certain degree because if didn’t exist than I would have stopped it long ago. Stop its constant movement, forcing me to go on. 
I failed with my dreams.
I failed with my never 
I failed with my forever 
I failed with my hope 
I failed in the midst of all my failures
What now does life have for me? 
I feel so deeply immersed and trapped within my hellish hold, with no finger nails to claw myself out and no savior there to dig me out of my own grave. 
Thank you stupid world. 

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