I have experienced a great deal lately, mainly the normal things that life brings on us.
The inevitable setbacks.
I have been consciously aware of my downfalls and facing them to be a better person, and to always have a sense of security, but my intuition always finds the flaws.
Although, when the lights go off, I still can’t sleep without a source of light among the darkness.
It becomes a clashed disaster of mashed up words when I make an attempt to write from a disharmonious heart- unsure to why it’s still beating and remains in the unbelieving idea that here it is still fucking believing in an unfathomable and invisible hope.
Living a life of grief is inevitable.
Sometimes I feel like I popped out of my moms womb so hard, I slammed myself against the curse of breaking a thousand mirrors- perhaps that’s how my beautiful half died?
I am trapped between life’s feeble seam of finding my search or debating if my desperate search has come to an eminent halt.
I have fought and won many strenuous battles, but lack the ability and an experienced infantry within the strength of my mind to defeat the war.
I’m forced to bow to my enemy time after time.
It’s a weak minded misleading ending.
My happiness felt certain, but I lack the true understanding of even knowing what “happiness” really is.
I know that my ankles start to twist and my body starts to squirm with my toes moving every which direction in a queer way when I am feeling happy.
I never knew until him, that meant I was happy.
Was all of this only temporary because perhaps I convinced myself deep down I knew the squirms weren’t forever and soon they would dissipate?
Will they ever shake the world again?
It’s my wicked cycle of always fucking knowing. When will it be my time to be wrong? For something to be forever and happy and for me to not predict the heartache that will soon come?
The time that my enemy will lose!
Why do I have to find the way to end the things that are great? Do I find the flaw and fear takes over and I run?
For once, I did experience an ideal feeling of completeness… as if that hole in my soul was filled… but the hole unburied itself and came back with a vengeance.
My half is missing more than ever…
I actually felt whole…
Yes, as if that hole literally had been filled. What exactly filled it?
I’m unsure… I’m uncertain to what it needed and pertained to fill it? Maybe because I greeted an unexpected soul that fit perfectly within the barren portion. Incompleteness has haunted me since the second I was born- it’s the hole that secluded me from the world around me. The desire to be alone.
The hole is the enemy.
Feelings of satisfaction and awareness of life without pain brought an unwarranted fear of the unknown upon me…
when I’ve lived my entire life with a void- losing to the enemy-
How do I accept victory?
It’s becoming something new entirely, and learning a new self- I came to face the fear of absolute completeness but my sense of distrust hung above me like a black cloud.
I’ve been dancing with the devil and snuggling with the holt spirit.
I’ve allowed Satan to hold my heart far to long and guide it, his promises only have been leading to its demise.
I don’t know how to unshackle myself from his deceit. The lies of his foretelling future for me, that I am worth nothing, I am flawed and ugly, and unwanted. That my heart was created for his glorious toy to destroy at all cost.
Did he want me to find the one thing that would kill me?
I allowed him to overcome my morals of disrespecting privacy.
I accept the fall.
I’m dying inside and I am so wounded during this war… how can I win?
Do I have a chance, even with all the accumulation of wounds upon my infantry?
The findings during my dishonesty crushed me, scared me, and it felt like Satan finally held my heart so tight and squeezed it Hard enough to manipulate its form.
He wanted me to find the secret to demolish me once again- he won.
The mother fucker won.
I lost all my grace.
I lost all my values.
I lost all my self control.
I lost all my patience.
I lost my own face.
When he wants me to feel unloved and unwanted he will find his why to make me remain there and be sure that Christ does not be the one to make me feel loved and wanted.
How do I fight it? I pray, I read the Bible, I consciously have put strong efforts into finding my demolished identity through Christ. I’m getting there, but my spiritual rivalry has been costing me everything I thought was real.
I know that my soul is still pure. It’s still with Christ; it’s still has not been defeated and it’s the part of me that keeps me together.
It lies in the hands of Gods constant protection, and I guide it to ensure its untouched by the fifth of the world.
It gently and innocently remains snuggled up into the arms of the Holy Spirit.
But it’s the heart… the mind… that consistently reverts to the spinning gears since time.
They lead me wayward and I follow.
How do I not follow?
How do I stop and stay calm to take breaths?
How do I smash the face of evil?
How do I win this 30 year war?
I do what I always do.
I put myself back together and I walk right back into the mother fucking war zone of my being and never stop fighting the darkness that so slyly creeps within me.
The day I surrender is the day that I die.