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A Note in the Ugly Face of Defeat

August 18, 2016 Thoughts

Defeat’s s a beautiful darkness that detaches me. 

Do I carry the face of defeat or does defeat reflect in my face? 

Unfortunately, I am the one that’s being defeated and I fail at attempting to be that one to defeat my sworn enemy destined to deplete all that I am.
Traveling through my mindless and senseless battle, I fleet back to the place my heart yearns to live in its sheltered cage, where I feel at home to meet with myself unaided again.
I throw words like an aimless fighter, unable to even trace what caused the inner blameless rage.
I’m sculpted to relentlessly retreat in my defeat. 
Where this darkness resides exhibits itself through its insecurity of lies.
It becomes alive in my emotional starkness that I lay before the ones I love to revive that thrive on the self I once protected my life to be, where it always dies.
Pushing to destroy and delve on the disaster breaking point, making an illusion to rid the joy of my master.
My heart once released itself from the bars of bondage escaping to a state of unknown lovers confusion.

 
Here I allowed defeat to defeat me. I fled into the arms of feeling nothing in my sacred land of loneliness.
I made the grand slam to jade the one I love, only to cram my soul with a band of pain causing only myself to fade.

Truth be told- I only wanted affection- not the dissection of all that’s wrong and undone.
My case of never surrendered against this cycle of my inability to grasp forever.
The electric love lost its place in its song of keeping the lightning in the bottle.
Even though I came at full throttle to present the weeping of my heart- it all ends the same.
My haunting cloud that hangs and dangles me below with its rain and life of colorless grey has defeated me again.
It laughs in my face as its muse while it watches me in utter amuse, knowing I am only its puppet to use.
I will never be seated on top of its lonely drizzle, just soaked beneath its solely tears that I find myself choked upon through all my hopeless fears.

Will any of my selfless words trade into a story of worth and attempt to retell the tale of sincerity?
The past opens a gnash in the flesh of my rotting tooth as a blinded sender of bluffs through the very mouth that relayed messages of tender tending.
I’ll lay myself bare before you.
To know everything I went against was true.
I’ll stand in the face of my defeat.
How I weep to undo this madness and kill the lingering sadness.
The pride within his soil for a better tomorrow raised the sorrow into an isolated attack of turmoil
Beside his most bleakness side I stood, doing all that I could to fight the demon of his vital weakness
The insanity of my crazy blood pumped out his profanity and stumped me into a hazy head of wordless grief.
Standing ground to leave in an insulting fire without a resulting sound burned the landing desire to reignite the blazing light.
Ode to this night- nothing is clear in sight 
The tongue that devoured the thirst of my flowered prism and the voice that showered me in bursts of childish giggles and wormy wiggles,

Now lies empty in the peace of lazy lids while I lay in doubt on the bids of the dice we rolled
Forgive me as I lie here dying and trying to mend in the message I send.
All day I suppressed to convey I was depressed
Sent a dove to drop the Christmas note, but the expectation of reciprocation kindled a broken heart of suffocation,
Remember the start- I took part in my first act of theft when I had stolen the tote from your left hand with swollen ankles?
I knew you couldn’t catch me fast, but the pouch you stringed on my hips filled with the ruble of our past made me speed away with a lousy slouch and unaware to the latch you secretly screwed upon my lips.

I’m still running away- afraid now of all the disarray.
Pleading and feeding lyrical content to the mind I once went so against my grain to find; searching for the sane to turn back and return the sack I stole.
I want to feel complete and whole. 
Without my never, I’d sever my heart among the world to uncover the abandon parts at random- I’ll wait upon my lover forever because I know he’ll discover every shattered piece lying on the vile streets he casually meets.

There is no way to cure with a sorry now, just a hatred bloody river flooding the livers of our being waiting to dry and call the bluffs of ugly goodbyes.
Am I worth this war?
Or should I rebuild a redesigned fortress to cave myself in afar, where I would live in the safety of my defeat?
Unsure to define what all this is about, but I long to save the fallout of everything said and preserve the pain in my eyes of bloodshot red to believe I failed under the stars and gave way to old scars.
I’ll be freed of everything that’s scary and bury away all that was merry and lose the very fixation I need.

In the end my dearest friend, I shouldn’t have been afraid to say it was a little of your attention I sought, instead I lashed and got bashed because I fought out the will to be weak for fear to violate the space of wanting you near because my fallen streak of gloom to feel at doom.

Is it too late to express how much I hate you?

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